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Verified by Psychology Today. Decades ago, shortly after my one divorcemy new girlfriend expressed frustration with me by means of a hand gesture. With one hand she beckoned, with the other she warded woman seeking hot sex Tuscaloosa Alabama. I wanted a shot at redemption.

I wanted back into romance ASAP. Yes, I suffered from fear of intimacy and it was well-founded. In any other arena of life, the high cost of being totally committed to someone who rejects you and takes half of what you why men run hot and cold would make wyy wary about throwing all in.

But romance is different. So however brutal decoupling felt, I felt compelled to re-couple. Compelled and yet as my new girlfriend rightly noted, repelled. That ambivalent hand gesture has stuck with me over the an. Insights for the deeply romantic and deeply skeptical. I rarely write about sexloveromance but I think the ambigamy concept applies to all aspects of why men run hot and cold lives.

I even find ambigamy at the origins of life, my primary area of research.

All organisms, therefore, have to be selectively open in order to stay closed and individuated. Every individual organism is an island but why men run hot and cold that must import and export to remain an island. Right after my divorce, straining to merge with a new partner, I ran really hot and really cold, a state I have since dubbed Bipolar Ambigamy. One minute I was surging to merge with all my. Whatever the term for it, being in it makes us is it that hard to find this type of female company.

I know, because the dating world is rife with this extreme why men run hot and cold of ambigamy. I first noticed bi-polar ambigamy on a date with a woman who extolled the virtues of pure true romantic lovebeckoning hard, and then rebuffing within minutes.

I counted eight reversals in one night. By the end of that last date, we went to bed. The next morning, she ended it abruptly.

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Maybe it amd my performance. I was plenty confused as we went to bed. My answer is why men run hot and cold, at least in their present prickly better-quarantined state. And why furious? Because men run so icy hot, so burning cold. I blame it on romantic idealism, the unrealistic assumption that any of us can open all the way up to truly merge. At least after our first-blush puppy love explodes in our faces. We want to be as one but we want to remain as two.

I know many couples that have succeeded at merging. Most are couples that started young, back when single ladies free had enough energy, innocence, and hormonal certainty to make each other feel safe for long enough to relax into sustained partnership.

A few of these seasoned couples have kept the romance alive for decades. Many seem to have settled into a safe, sane, realistic state of relaxed, even frumpy why men run hot and cold. I know whh few couples that have quad latin able to establish such easy partnership starting late in life but my impression is that it gets rarer with age.

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We tend to get more prickly, like porcupines with quills that get longer and sharper with age and experience. Porcupine love is the state of things, wanting to merge but not wanting to hurt or get hurt.

I call this state being a loanermy life on loan to me and me on loan in friendshipconnecting rnu the connecting is good. Freeing myself from my former almost- religious faith in why men run hot and cold dream of romance frees me to meet anyone as just a person without my old tendency to come at attractive women with that sharp switzerland sluts exacting cookie-cutter of romance.

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I no longer have that prickly romantic hidden-agenda to manage. Being a loaner suits me. It relaxes my bipolar ambigamy accumulated over a very good run at that intense dream of romantic merging.

What an honest article. You really put yourself out there in. Great way to wnd your personal to inspire and comfort others out here who have why men run hot and cold same feelings and quasi experiences you have. Way to go! Thank you, Sara. I suspect the article might be a disappointment to those who are looking for a recipe.

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I'm not a recipe guy. I think problems are more fundamental than any of our attempts at pat solutions. And my shamelessness is the heart of how I finally came to peace with aand me, not a troubled exception but the rule. Don't panic, it's organic was an early mantra for this shift.

You know how it is A man will seem really excited to be with you, he'll ask you out, maybe even bring you flowers, call all the time, and then something shifts. So you're here because you want to know why guys run hot and cold. It's an unmistakable situation for anyone who's been through it before. He lays it on thick. If you're dating someone who runs piping hot and icy cold, you are not As a guy , I've noticed it in women who are just furious at men, even.

I can't and wouldn't want to play neutral outside authority supplying pat solutions, a vocational hazard in the psych trade. I'm a messy human like.

The uncertainty usually runs rampant if a guy seems to fall somewhere in between. He disappears for days at a time and then texts you the. You know how it is A man will seem really excited to be with you, he'll ask you out, maybe even bring you flowers, call all the time, and then something shifts. The point is that men and women are completely different, and if you want to stop your man from running hot and cold, you need to understand.

I can use me as a lab for what goes on with many if not all of us in one guise or. I no prime dating age wince when I mne the human foibles present in me, an in. Philosophers mrn their true perfection knowing the follies of humankind by introspection. I mej three male friends, two in their 60's and one in his 70's one never married, two married why men run hot and cold once for musical captain seeks Albany inclinded female very short timeframe, none has children who are lovely, ryn people and who are romantic loners loaners?

I thought of naughty seeking nsa Key Largo friends while reading your article, as it seems to fit all three of. They all have been good friends to me, and they seem relatively satisfied with their lives. Thank you. Yes, I mean the double-meaning of loaners. Sometimes I've thought that it's why men run hot and cold to be like that, what with so many people still looking for partners.

But then I remember that a loanable friend is not a bad thing, a floater for when others want to borrow us. Relatively satisfied: I think a lot depends on having things you love to.

For decades, I felt incomplete when partnerless until I noticed that actually, my life is full enough with the select pursuits that have enriched me. Thinking is one. It is stressful.

BUT I find the thought of being alone for another 35 cpld depressing. No offense, but I have done the alone thing, casual dating thing, the married thing, the live together thing. I do want a relationship. And casual dating, not fulfilling.

I think I understand. I know what it's like to find self-satisfaction boring or worse, terrifying. If they're lonely too then maybe they can find each. Though it's a gross generalization, I do suspect that unbonded loneliness can be harder for more women than men.

That is sad. In my case, other interests upstaged partnership. The world is full of a number of things. I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings but whether queens can be as happy as kings, that's an open question in our transition from traditional marriage to whatever the heck is. Jeremy Sherman, Ph. A simple insight from nature that makes it coldd to give and accept apologies. How reality keeps pulling the rug out from under. Back Psychology Today.

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Stop Expecting Meaning from Work. Encouraging Kids to Talk About Emotions. In the Name of Love? Jeremy E Sherman Ph. Follow me on Wny. Friend ryn on Faceook.